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Probees
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(A circular, windowless chamber. Gunmetal grey walls unrelieved by anything
but more grey. An artificial silence is underscored by a faint hum: this
space seems like a chilly node in a larger machine. On three equidistantly-
spaced chairs sit two women and a man who will be known as Jill Markowsky,
Stan Crease, and Marsha Farmer. Jill -- a waif-like woman-child -- and Stan
-- slight and pale -- are unconscious, chins dropped to their chests. Marsha,
solid, wild-haired and wide awake looks around, then is so terrified she
moans. Jill's startled awake and stares at Marsha, scarcely breathing as
their eyes stay locked for what seems a very long time.)
MARSHA They took us.
JILL They did? (Marsha nods) Who?
MARSHA Aliens. The aliens.
(Jill looks around and suddenly sings the Peter Pan tune.)
JILL "I'm flying, flying, flying, flying..."
MARSHA They'll kill us. (Jill falls silent) We'll get... probed to death.
JILL Probed.
MARSHA By some ray. A beam. It'll shoot out of a little thing
somewhere and slice us in half. Then out'll come our lungs.
Livers. Intestines like wet rope. Whatever they feel like
taking.
JILL Stop it.
MARSHA That's what aliens do.
JILL No. This has to end now.
MARSHA You're not dreaming.
JILL I don't want to--
MARSHA I said it's not a goddamn dream! Look where you are. (Jill
blinks) Two seconds or two years or however long ago it was
now -- who the hell knows anything anymore? -- I had a
forkful of fettucine this far from my mouth. Now I'm... (looks
around, distraught) Jesus Christ.
JILL Please let it be a dream.
MARSHA Yours or mine? 'Cause they got both our asses.
JILL (tears starting) Oh God, no.
MARSHA What's your name? (Jill shakes her head) Tell me. (JILL shakes
her head again) Elaine? Jocelyn. Bitsy. Corinna. Jill...
JILL Jill.
MARSHA Jill? (Jill nods) Jill what? (no reply) Adams. Baker. Charles...
JILL Markowsky. (starts to cry) Jill Markowsky. I live at one
thirty-six West Eleventh Street, New York New York, one
double-oh one one. I have two cats and a skylight.
MARSHA Not anymore.
JILL This is too a dream. Nobody'd joke if they were really taken
away in some... some...
MARSHA Space ship. Alien vessel. Flying saucer.
JILL You're making this all up!
MARSHA Listen to me. I'm... Marsha Farmer. Christ, you see how they
get to you? I almost forgot my own name already. I'm from
Burnsville, Minnesota, just outside Minneapolis. Five five
three three seven. No cats. No skylight.
(Jill stares hard at Marsha who nods as if to confirm it all. Jill seems to
go numb and only now notices Stan.)
JILL Who's he?
MARSHA I have no idea. Terry?
JILL What?
MARSHA He looks like he could be a Terry. (Jill gapes at her
surroundings) Where were you? Jill?... Jill. What were you
doing?
(Jill battles a fog of incredulity trying to remember.)
JILL Shaving.
MARSHA Your legs.
JILL No. A...A chocolate bunny. I love chocolate too much s
only let myself have a few scrapings at a time.
MARSHA We were both eating.
JILL I wasn't. I didn't have any of it. I swear. It was for lunch
to-- (it all starts to sink in) Tomorrow.
MARSHA It'll be okay. (bitter humor) The chocolate. Not us.
(They look at each other for a longish beat.)
JILL You like this.
MARSHA What? What the hell are you--?
JILL You're happy. You're glad this happened.
MARSHA Oh, sure. Things were so damn boring among the Earthling
I prayed to be whisked off their planet. Where were you
shaving that bunny, in a padded cell?
JILL You're enjoying yourself! That's all I'm saying.
MARSHA I'm fucking hysterical! I'm a wreck!
JILL And it's fun. (Marsha looks away to hide sudden tears.)
What's wrong? (Marsha chuckles as if to say 'We've been
abducted by aliens and you ask 'what's wrong?'') I'm sorry.
MARSHA Whenever I'm a wreck I look like I'm enjoying myself. It's
true. You're not the first person I've heard it from. My
husband says...
(Marsha's stricken silent.)
JILL Marsha.
MARSHA Don't.
JILL I'm sorry.
MARSHA You said it already. (beat) I'm sorry too.
(Pause)
JILL Do you really think they'll...?
MARSHA What. Probe us? With a couple of-- excuse me; three humans
in the bag and God only knows how many light years to kill?
What else've they got to do? Well, all they'll find in me is
fettucine. And not even a full portion.
JILL What color are his eyes? (Marsha looks to see if Stan's are
open.) No. Your husband's.
MARSHA Oh. (sad smile) Grey on a grey day. Gray-green in the sun.
That's what he always tells people who ask.
JILL I love grey eyes.
MARSHA He's not right. They're more blue than grey, and they don't
change at all.
JILL I love blue eyes too. (beat) You know what's funny? One of
my cats has one grey eye and one blue one. Bitsy.
(They look at each other again.)
MARSHA Why aren't we panicky?
JILL You said you were hysterical.
MARSHA But I'm not panicky. Neither are you.
JILL No.
MARSHA How come?
JILL We could be in shock.
MARSHA Or denial.
JILL No. Shock.
MARSHA You're right. That's the only way we'd be talking about eyes.
JILL I'm in shock a lot. Sometimes every day.
MARSHA I could never live in New York.
JILL Yes you could.
MARSHA I'd end up in some stink-hole apartment with three hundred
pigeons and old newspapers stacked to the ceiling.
JILL See?
(Marsha suddenly sits bolt upright.)
MARSHA Jesus, did you hear that?
JILL Stop scaring me.
MARSHA It was like a-- Christ, they're coming.
JILL No! Oh God, no!
MARSHA The ray! The probe! (Jill screams and contracts into a tight
ball on her chair. Stan stirs. Marsha holds her breath
watching him, relieved when he doesn't wake.) It's okay.
Jill, listen. It's quiet.
JILL I don't want to be cut in half! Why do they have to take us
apart?!
MARSHA Maybe they won't. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe they want us...
whole. Maybe they even like us.
(Jill's soothed a bit)
JILL I hate this. Why did it have to happen?
MARSHA One of those crazy things, I guess. (She laughs suddenly,
harshly. Jill glares at her.) It's not my fault. I'm here
too.
JILL Why?
MARSHA I don't know.
JILL Why am I here?
MARSHA I don't know.
(Jill abruptly turns to Stan.)
JILL Hello? Hey.
MARSHA He's not going to have the answer. Look at him -- how dull he
looks. He could be a moron.
JILL (to Stan) Terry?
MARSHA I didn't say he was Terry. Just that he seemed like one. He's
more Howard-y now.
JILL (to Stan) Howard?
MARSHA Why don't you leave him alone.
JILL I want to talk to him.
MARSHA What for? He could be a moron.
JILL I don't have to tell you everything!
MARSHA Wait. Shhh!
JILL What is it?
MARSHA A growl. Grinding. Something. (a beat) It stopped.
(Jill's shaken out of her urge to wake Stan.)
JILL I'm cold.
MARSHA (nods toward the "outside") It's cold out here.
JILL Are we really that far away, you think?
MARSHA Oh yeah.
(Jill weeps silently. Marsha whips off her sweater. Jill quickly looks up.)
JILL No.
MARSHA You said you're--
JILL I don't want it.
MARSHA But--
JILL I don't want it!
MARSHA Fine. (she disdainfully tosses the sweater on the floor) I'm
warm enough just like this.
(Jill hugs herself and sneaks a look at the sweater, but realizes Marsha's
watching her and pointedly looks the other way. Marsha's annoyance colors her
tone.)
MARSHA What's the other one's name?
JILL The other what?
MARSHA Cat. One's Bitsy. The other's...?
JILL I don't feel like talking anymore right now.
MARSHA I think it'd be good for you. Good for both of us. (Jill's
silent) I had a cat once. Sort of. It was a boyfriend of
mine's. Oompah. (Jill gives her a sharp look) I know: weird
name for a cat.
JILL All cats have weird names.
MARSHA That's not true.
JILL I think it is.
MARSHA Bitsy's not weird. Not at all. It's a totally normal, sane,
reasonab--
JILL How about Scotchguard.
MARSHA Your other cat's named Scotchguard?
JILL For short. It's really Butterscotchguardian. And anyway,
Bitsy's a male.
MARSHA Does the skylight have a name?
(Jill furtively eyes the sweater again. Marsha notices, picks up the sweater
and silently offers it to Jill. Jill wavers, then shakes her head. Marsha's
about to dump the sweater on the floor again, but reconsiders and moves to
drape it across the back of Jill's chair. Jill's warning look stops her.
Marsha drapes the sweater over Stan's shoulders instead.)
MARSHA If you want it, it's there.
JILL He looks better in it than I would.
MARSHA But he's not cold.
JILL He might be. He might be and just not know. He could be a moron.
(Jill expects a sharp retort, but Marsha smiles warmly.)
MARSHA I'll bet you do alright in New York, don't you?
JILL I guess.
MARSHA Place like that, you really learn how to take care of yourself.
JILL Nobody else is going to do it for you.
MARSHA I take it you're not married, then. (Jill shakes her head)
Boyfriend? (playfully) Lover?
JILL I used to have one of each. (shocked by her brazenness) God,
Jill. (sudden laugh) I sound like Eeby. She's an Israelite.
You know, from Israel. She lives downstairs from me.
MARSHA Could be a cat's name.
JILL Eeby's totally wild. I love her. You should see the men she
brings home. Wow.
MARSHA Gorgeous?
JILL Everything. The most beautiful, best dressed, funniest,
smartest... (drifts into a pained reverie) I hate men. You can
never just shave a little sliver of loving off them when all
you want's a tiny taste, like you can with chocolate. You have
to take the whole thing every time. It's not fair.
MARSHA That's never bothered me.
JILL Good. Go. Make fun of me. Just because I don't like getting
humped silly every time I press up against a guy! (starts to
cry) I'm sorry. I feel like I'm going insane.
MARSHA It's okay. You'd be keeping me company.
(Marsha makes a goofy face. Jill adds laughter to her tears and Marsha pulls
out a hanky, offers it. Jill stiffens.)
JILL No thank you. (she noisily wipes her nose on her sleeve and
notices Marsha's bolt upright again) What?
MARSHA I thought I... Never mind.
JILL What! (Marsha shakes her head) Marsha, you have to tell me.
MARSHA I caught a -- at least I thought I saw a flash of light out of
the corner of my eye.
JILL (chilled) A ray.
MARSHA Who the hell knows.
(Both women seem walloped afresh by their situation)
MARSHA Aliens. Jesus. Aliens came and took us off the earth. Off
the fucking earth! We're never going back. We're gone. This
is it.
JILL I don't want to be gone! Oh God, don't probe me!
(Stan stirs, murmurs something like 'onions' and lapses into making thick wet
mouth noises, still not waking up.)
MARSHA I hate men too. (beat) Aliens are always men.
JILL What?
MARSHA Come on. Whenever you hear about them or see drawings or
whatever, they've all got these huge heads and jumpsuity
uniform things. Like soldiers. Or some kind of cadets.
They're obviously men. Male, anyway. You never even think
aliens might be female. Right? Nobody ever thinks that.
JILL Marsha...
MARSHA Shut-up. It matters. If it was up to female aliens, we'd
still be eating fettucine and shaving chocolate. Hell, maybe
with them. But no, these unbelievably advanced civilizations
beyond the stars? They always have to send out the boys.
With their beams and rays. 'Find a planet, guys. Do your
thing. Go on. Have fun.' Take some innocent people who
never hurt anyone up into space and probe them till there's
nothing left but scooped-out skin.
JILL No, no, no!
MARSHA Christ, maybe the whole damn universe is macho. What does that say?
(Jill shiver in despair and snatches Marsha's sweater off Stan's shoulders and
drapes it over her own, rocking miserably. Marsha's instantly calmed.)
MARSHA Wrong. A hundred per cent wrong. (Jill looks up) It looks
better on you. (she indicates the sweater)
JILL Oh. Thanks.
MARSHA You know you've got incredible hair.
JILL Can we stop talking now?
MARSHA If you want. (Jill nods) Alright.
(They fall silent. Marsha looks at Jill (who doesn't return the gaze) then
abruptly stands and takes a stride away.)
JILL Where are you going? (Marsha just looks at her) I can't be
alone here. I can't. (Marsha indicates Stan) I don't know
him. (Marsha starts off again) Marsha!
MARSHA I'm going to look for someone to talk to.
JILL Talk to me! Talk to me! Come on. Here we go. What do you
want to talk about? My hair? It's incredible, isn't it? It's
been incredible forever, even when I was totally broke and in
shock the whole time. Or do you want to talk about cats? Or
lovers. Or eyes. Or skylights, even. It's okay. Please.
Talk.
(Marsha slowly returns to her chair, sits.)
MARSHA It is cold in here.
JILL You want your sweater back?
MARSHA I'll be alright.
JILL No. Here. It's yours. It knows how to warm you up best.
(Jill whips off the sweater and holds it out to Marsha, who just looks evenly
at Jill. Jill reluctantly scuttles off her chair and awkwardly draping the
sweater over Marsha's shoulders.)
JILL Better? It's better, isn't it. A little. Right?
MARSHA Good enough. (Jill dives back to her chair, hyper alert for
any sound. Marsha suddenly looks straight up, alarmed.) Oh my
God.
JILL What?
MARSHA I've never had a skylight.
(Jill blinks, then laughs more from relief than amusement. Marsha begins to
laugh too.
MARSHA I'm not kidding. (They laugh harder, but fall silent when Stan
suddenly calls out in his sleep.)
STAN Nerris! Nerris fullbull, bull. (He farts)
MARSHA Oh, very nice. Wonder what he was eating.
JILL I think we should wake him up.
MARSHA In case he's got a skylight somewhere? Go ahead if you're
that desperate to compare notes.
(They lock eyes again. Jill -- without looking away -- slowly reaches toward
Stan. Marsha's look hardens. Jill drops her arm and turns manic.)
JILL I'm going to panic.
MARSHA I don't think so.
JILL Uh-huh. It's already coming.
MARSHA If you can feel it coming you're still only hysterical. Like me.
No, we're not to where we're panicky.
JILL I can't stand it that you hate me!
MARSHA Where the hell's this coming from?
JILL Maybe you always hate people with incredible hair. With cats.
MARSHA (colder) I meant where's it coming from in you?
JILL Look at you! -- the way you look at me. How you're talking.
You wish I was already probe-dead.
MARSHA Jeez, then I'd have to wake him up. (She cocks her head at
Stan, deadpan for a beat, then grins. Jill's so confused she
cries again.) Jill. Jill, sweetheart. Oh!, I don't hate you.
How could I? You have incredible hair. Cats. A skylight. And
you're crying. You're wonderful. Just hysterical. Maybe in
shock, too.
JILL (miserable) But not panicky.
MARSHA When the time comes, we'll panic together. Fair enough?
(She reaches out her hand to shake.)
JILL My mother said never make deals with anyone.
MARSHA You mother was never alienned off the goddamn earth.
JILL She never even came to New York.
MARSHA Well then... (She extends her hand further. Jill begins to
reach for it, but at the last second clenches her fists, hit by a
wave of enthusiasm.)
JILL Hey! What if this is part of it -- this getting friendly and stuff?
MARSHA Part of the standard pre-probe.
JILL No, that's what I mean. Maybe it won't happen, the... ray
thing, if we like each other enough quick enough. What do
you think, Marsha? That's how I want it to be. Don't you?
It'd be so perfect! (In her exuberance, she reaches over and
squeezes Marsha's hand. Marsha's surprised.)
MARSHA Your eyes are on the greenish side themselves. Kind of a jadey
thing going on.
JILL You do like me, don't you?
MARSHA See, this is what my husband thinks his eyes look like. He's so off.
JILL This is the first time I finally feel like me again. Right this
second. God, it's so much better than just being in shock.
MARSHA It's not as cold now. (removes her sweater)
JILL I'm not either!
(There's a sudden, oddly muted sound that could be liquid gurgling -- or
someone calling out. Jill and Marsha lock eyes for a beat. Jill resolutely
maintains her smile.)
MARSHA We both heard that.
JILL I'm keeping my intestines and liver.
MARSHA Jill. It's only a matter of time.
JILL Yeah! Before we're home and go on television like all those other
people do when they get home.
MARSHA After aliens bring them all the way back to Earth even though they
were already up in the space-wagons [pronounced with the
Volkswagen 'V'] and halfway to Hideous Major, or wherever the
Christ they're from.
JILL I've seen them on television.
MARSHA With your very own sort-of green eyes.
JILL You said they might like us.
MARSHA I said I'd have a glass of chianti with my fettucine, too. So
what? Look at me now.
(Jill stares then laughs almost deliriously.)
JILL Oh Marsha, you're too funny for this to be real.
MARSHA Don't you hide behind that dream crap again. You hear me?!
Unless you're ready to dream about a beam of light, too -- a white
wand brighter than a finger of sun coming closer and closer until
you have to dream that it's your own belly you smell burning.
JILL What color are your eyes?! Did you ever look? Do you even know?
MARSHA You always make me the shit.
JILL What, 'always'? I've never seen you before.
MARSHA 'Always' now. Here. Since they took us. That's what I meant.
JILL No you didn't. You meant regular 'always,' and I have no idea who
you are.
MARSHA Doesn't it seem like we've been here forever? Doesn't it? Answer me!
JILL (tortured) Yes!
MARSHA Then I get to say 'always.' And you can't say you don't know me.
(softer) I know you. You're Jill Markovsky--
JILL Markowsky!
MARSHA --who's sweet and scared and stuck with me, a crazy nut from
Minnesota who's going battier being here. Not that anyone
wouldn't.
(Marsha manages a smile. Jill looks around, suddenly spent.)
JILL Aliens.
MARSHA Tell me about it.
(They look at each other again.)
JILL We don't know each other.
MARSHA No, not really. Only that we're--
JILL Here.
MARSHA And not panicky.
JILL Not yet.
MARSHA That's something.
(Stan murmurs, whimpers in his sleep.)
JILL We don't know him either, do we?
MARSHA Nope. (Stan belches) And it's probably just as well.
(She and Jill lock eyes, then both crack up. Jill's hope seems to return.)
JILL Are you in love with him? (Marsha looks towards Stan) No, your husband.
MARSHA My husband? (puzzled, then snaps to) Jesus. They don't need a
goddamn ray. I'm just sitting here and they're sucking out what's
in my head. Draining away all my memories of...(strains, then
triumphant) Stewart. (rages) Stewart! His name's Stewart, you
bastards! Stewart, Stewart, Stewart!
JILL Was he at dinner with you?
MARSHA Who?
JILL Stewart.
MARSHA Thousands of times. Oh, you mean when they... With the fettucine.
No. I was alone.
(She's suddenly very shaky.)
JILL If you don't want to talk about it...
MARSHA I don't. You see? I really did start to forget.
JILL I can't take it, being in love. There's always someone else around.
MARSHA (after a beat) Have you ever made love with a god?
JILL (shrugs) They all thought they were.
MARSHA What did you think?
JILL That I'd rather be having chocolate. Except once. Once I
couldn't help not thinking at all about chocolate. It was in
winter.
MARSHA What's-his-name thought he was a god. Stewart. With grey eyes
that went grey-green in the sun. Double wrong.
JILL The snow was grey, with pebbles in it. Like pepper. I remember.
MARSHA Guess they haven't gotten around to sucking your head out yet.
JILL He was only in town for a week on business.
MARSHA How long did he end up staying?
JILL A week. He never saw a skylight before.
MARSHA God Almighty, where was he from, Podunk?
JILL (earnest) I think he was. It sounded just like that.
MARSHA So you two clicked.
JILL You know you can't really tell what time it is from a skylight?
We stayed under the one I have for five whole days and never knew
for sure.
MARSHA I thought you hated men.
JILL This one wasn't like men. He felt like another me. He knew what
was good. Inside. It was already there.
MARSHA I was with someone like that, way back when.
BOTH He had hazel eyes.
(They exchange a quick glance.)
JILL Hazelly-brown. Like chocolate.
MARSHA No. Kind of khaki colored. And dark, dark brown hair.
JILL No. Grey. Grey on the grey days. Grey-bald in the sun. (wry
smile) He had a cat back home.
MARSHA Mine didn't.
JILL Named Oompah.
(There's a sharp metallic clatter somewhere.)
MARSHA Shit.
JILL We shouldn't talk anymore.
MARSHA It's okay. We'll just--
JILL Shh. Stop. They'll hear us.
MARSHA Christ, they know we're here. We're their goddamn cargo.
JILL Please.
MARSHA We have to talk! It's what you said before. (Jill's puzzled)
That friends jazz. It makes sense to me now. If we hit it off,
maybe the big-heads'll leave us be. A reward for harmony, or
something. So keep it rolling. Come on, chop-chop. The more we
talk, the more we'll have in common.
JILL You don't know that.
MARSHA Jill--
JILL You don't know that!
MARSHA It's already going on. (enumerates) We both slept with a goddy
man once. We were both eating when the alie--
JILL I told you I wasn't! I was shaving and saving, that's all. (off
Marsha's look) That's what I call it; 'shaving and saving.'
MARSHA Food was part of the picture, okay?
JILL Everybody has food every day.
MARSHA I'm telling you it's not a coincidence. Those people on tv
talking about aliens? How many of them said they were eating when
the aliens who took them took them?
JILL I wasn't eating!
MARSHA Will you keep it down?! They'll hear you.
JILL But you... (She breaks down in confusion)
MARSHA Jill. Sweetie. (Jill shakes her head) Can I tell you something?
We've got to be friends.
JILL I'd rather have my own sweater.
MARSHA When did you know you were in love? In a few minutes? Hours?
(Jill stubbornly keeps mum) The first night? First morning?
Second day? Second--
JILL The second day.
MARSHA And he still left at the end of the week?
JILL (defensive) How long were you with your Mr. Hazel Eye?
MARSHA (very softly) One night.
JILL Come again?
MARSHA One night.
JILL Were you in love?
MARSHA Way before the sun came up.
JILL But he didn't stay either.
MARSHA No.
JILL See? (Her sense of triumph wanes as Marsha bleakly picks at her
sweater cuff) I'm sorry. (Marsha shrugs) We can keep talking.
(no response) I said I was sorry.
MARSHA You never say my name.
JILL I've said it.
MARSHA Only when you're scared. Or sorry.
JILL I'm sorry.
MARSHA I don't think there's much hope for us.
JILL As friends, you mean.
(Marsha chuckles ominously and fingers her sweater)
MARSHA This is a blend. Think it'll melt or burn?
JILL You know you're really--
MARSHA Or maybe...
JILL Don't.
MARSHA Maybe they'll strip us nude before they open with the carving ray--
JILL Stop it!
MARSHA --so when it's all over all there'll be is a slick of goo and two
neat little stacks of folded clothes.
(Jill fights terror by speaking with great deliberation.)
JILL It's so weird: two different cats named Oompah.
MARSHA (sniffs) It's catchy.
JILL Do you still think about him? Or do you only think about Stewart?
MARSHA Who? Oh, my...right. (considers) No, it's not like I think about
him. But I'll bend a certain way after a bath or smell coffee in
the air or see the wind riffling a patch of grass and all of a
sudden he'll be there. In my body. And I'll get the feeling that
he's pretty much here all the time. (wry) I wonder if he'll come
out when they fire up the old probe-o-roony.
(Jill works hard to stay away from that subject.)
JILL That's beautiful, what you just said. There's so much aliveness
in you.
MARSHA We'll see how long that lasts.
JILL Can't we have hope?
MARSHA I don't know. Can we?
JILL Just because we're... we're--
MARSHA Getting light-speeded to another galaxy where they probably
breathe acid...
JILL It doesn't automatically have to mean anything bad! I want to
have hope, Marsha! (beat) These chairs are nice, aren't they?
Look. They're okay. And it's cold in here but not that cold. I
don't need a sweater anymore.
MARSHA I bet you looked just like this when you were trying to get him to
stay. Am I right? You were sitting on the-- no, kneeling on the
bed under the skylight.
(Jill's instantly transported into the story.)
JILL Holding his hand.
MARSHA Holding his hand. In both of yours? (Jill nods) In both of
yours, saying 'Oh...' (gestures for Jill to provide the name.)
JILL Draber.
MARSHA Draber?
JILL His name was Draber.
MARSHA First or last?
JILL First. (Marsha's unsettled) What's wrong?
MARSHA My guy's name was Draber too. (They're both alarmed, speak
quickly) But his hair was dark, dark brown.
JILL And mine's was grey. And thinning.
MARSHA And mine never said anything about a cat. (Jill's troubled)
What?
JILL You said he didn't have a cat, before.
MARSHA Whatever.
JILL Not saying anything about one's not the same as not having one.
MARSHA Oh, come on. Really. Come on, give me a goddamn break. If my
Draber had a cat named Oompah, for Chrissake, don't you think he'd
tell me? That's something you tell people you get naked with.
Your Draper told you, didn't he?
JILL I have cats.
MARSHA Yeah, yeah. And incredible hair and the famous five-day skylight.
I know. We've been through it all.
JILL When did you meet--?
MARSHA Do we really want to know this?
(They look at each other for a beat.)
JILL I do.
MARSHA Fine.
JILL I'm sorry. I just do.
MARSHA I said fine. So go ahead. (impatiently gestures)
JILL When did you meet Draber?
MARSHA My Draber.
JILL Before you were married, right?
MARSHA (indignant) Yes, thank you very much. It was just after I broke
my ankles. No. Just before, making it... nineteen seventy.
JILL Nineteen seventy?! I just met him last year!
MARSHA Your Draber.
(They eye each other again.)
MARSHA We could stop.
JILL We have to talk. We have to be friends.
MARSHA To save ourselves. Not really be friends.
JILL Why do you always make everything so hard!
MARSHA Ha! See?
JILL What?
MARSHA You say 'always' too. (The wind goes out of Jill's sails.)
Listen, you may not want me as a friend. I'm a nut-job. Screwy
kablooey. Toasted. Ask the folks back in...
JILL Minnesota.
MARSHA Yeah, ask anybody. I'm not friend material. Born defective. A
day-one doomee. If I wasn't, would I have been eating fettucine
alone in the best goddamn Italian joint in town? Nah, you're
looking at the cull of culls. I'm off in my own corner. Lonered
forever. Terminally solo.
JILL You have Stewart. (off Marsha's look) Your husband. (MARSHA
dismisses the notion with a wave) He loves you.
MARSHA He lies about his fucking eye color!
(There's sudden high-pitched beeping, not unlike that of a truck backing up.)
JILL Oh God.
MARSHA Jesus H. Shit. Here we go.
JILL Stay away!
MARSHA This might be the time to panic. What do you say?
JILL NOOO!
(Abrupt silence)
MARSHA Goddamn it. I was all set to... (makes a noise to simulate
panic.)
JILL You didn't want to...
MARSHA Flip out? Pull a foamer? You better believe it. Take it from
one of the leaders in the field: when it feels right, let 'er rip.
Don't, and you're going against nature. Like with sex -- love
sex: you either let yourself go when it's ready to take you, or
you may never be gone.
JILL I know.
(Marsha sizes Jill up.)
MARSHA Was he the best you ever had? (scoffs at herself) Jesus. 'Was he
the best?' Only by a million miles. He had that way of touching
you -- rubbing the pad of his middle finger down that groove in
your skin where the bottom swell of your breast meets the rest of
you. Slowly, slowly back and forth. Over and over.
JILL That really was like being in a dream. Someone else's.
MARSHA Hard to believe anybody could know your body that well. Stuff you
didn't even know.
JILL (nods) No. I know.
MARSHA Feeling so...
JILL Gone.
MARSHA No. Well, gone in the body maybe -- dissolved -- but still there
with the feeling. As the feeling. That feeling.
JILL Yes.
MARSHA There was nothing else but that.
JILL No. Except there was: somewhere someone was saying 'Yes, yes, yes.'
MARSHA Yes. And it was you.
JILL No. It was him. He was right, though.
MARSHA How could you not be in love?
JILL I thought I was in shock.
MARSHA I was hysterical.
(They look at each other again. Jill's suddenly spooked.)
JILL We haven't talked about your hair at all.
MARSHA Jill.
JILL No. I don't want to anymore.
MARSHA Finish it! (instantly soft) It'll be alright. I promise.
(Jill shivers, upset, and indicates Marsha's sweater.)
JILL Can I...?
MARSHA It's yours.
(Marsha holds out the sweater. Jill hesitates, but this time takes it.
Marsha's almost smug. Jill tries to downplay it.)
JILL Alright. I met a Draber and so did you.
MARSHA Who both just happened to turn us into love-lumps.
JILL Okay! But what was his last name? (sudden skittishness) Wait.
We'll count to three. One, two, three...
BOTH Karshogurian.
(Silence.)
JILL You think it's the same one?
(Jill bursts into tears and hurls Marsha's sweater on the floor.)
MARSHA Pick it up.
JILL No!
MARSHA (sharp) Pick it up. It's my sweater.
JILL Maybe I've had it too! Maybe we're really the same person and
just have two chairs.
MARSHA Don't be stupid. Look at our hair. (beat) This isn't bad news, Jill.
JILL (caustic) No. I'm inside out of myself, I'm so happy. Let's
celebrate. (Marsha grins) Stop it!
MARSHA I'd pay money to see you pissed in New York, you know that? You'd
be like a razor flashing down the street. 'Out of my way,
asshole.' Thip! 'Move!' 'Don't you look at me!' Thip! Thip!
(Jill glances at Marsha's cartoonish rage-face and fights
smiling.) 'Scum bucket.' 'Slime rag.' (Rather than let herself
laugh, Jill snatches up Marsha's sweater and slings it at her.)
JILL That better?
MARSHA Oh yeah. Now we can celebrate.
JILL (after a beat) Did he say 'yes' to you?
MARSHA Yes, yes, yes. (Jill glares. Marsha holds out her sweater.) You
can throw it again if you want.
JILL Leave me alone.
MARSHA Everybody's supposed to leave you alone. Me. The aliens. Any
life forms you're okay with?
JILL Cats. (Marsha just nods.) It's not fair! He said there was
nobody like me. Ever. And that's what I was thinking. The whole
time. All five days. (Marsha nods again) He was so different.
MARSHA Very different.
JILL I wanted him to only be different with me! How can he be
different if he's different for different people?
MARSHA Sweetheart, it doesn't mean he didn't love you. Christ, you're
loveable beyond belief.
JILL But now I know his finger was in your groove too.
MARSHA Relax. It's more like a pita pocket now.
JILL (acid) Ha ha ha. This isn't funny.
MARSHA Why don't you stop it! (Jill's caught short) Does it matter who
he slept with, or who he even loved? You got yours.
JILL It was supposed to be special! The way nothing else would ever
be, anywhere.
MARSHA Well wasn't it?! Think -- they still haven't squeegeed your damn
brain. Weren't you there flat on your back with your legs veed up
at your precious skylight and him inside you moving till the both
of you disappeared into one blissful fucking ball of light?
JILL See?! You know. He did the same thing with you.
MARSHA In nineteen seventy. Nineteen goddamn seventy. On one night.
One! You know how long ago and how short that is? Shit, half the
time I can't tell anymore whether that little string of perfect
hours makes me know I've really been alive or wish I'd slashed my
stinking throat. So don't you sit there bitching, Miss I-only
met-him-last-year. Your god pretty much just left. Mine went on
to better and younger things.
JILL I'm sorry. (adds, off Marsha's look) Marsha.
MARSHA It's okay. (wry) Like I say, it's not bad news.
JILL It feels bad.
MARSHA No kidding. (beat) Hey. Hey, come here. (She opens her arms,
smiling warmly.)
JILL It's okay.
MARSHA (instantly icy) Guess we don't have to be friends after all. Now
that we know why we're here. (Jill's puzzled) You were wondering
before. This is why: Draber the K.
JILL You think?
MARSHA No, I think it's a complete accident. A hundred per cent
coincidence. Two veterans of quickies with the same guy, who
weren't ever the same afterwards somehow manage to get taken away
by aliens at the same time, in the same whatchamacallit -- ship.
Sure, they picked us totally at random.
(Jill stares at Marsha, then starts to giggle.)
JILL You're saying this... this--
MARSHA Mission, expedition, whatever it is, doesn't have to be about
aliens trolling for probees. That's right: no. It's so obviously
not! You want hope? Try this on: I say all the boys from
beyond're up for this trip is checking out folks who slept with
Draber Karshogurian.
(Jill whoops for joy, disturbing Stan's sleep enough for him to call out in
fear.)
STAN Kebbeh, kebbeh!
(Marsha and Jill stare at him, then at each other, then at Stan again who --
after a beat -- violently rolls his head, moans and hiccups twice, then is
still once more. When Marsha and Jill finally look back at each other, Jill's
eyes are swimming with tears.)
JILL I hate men.
MARSHA Jill...
JILL They ruin everything. And so do you.
MARSHA I'm sorry. I'm sorry I went out of my way to give you something
you wanted. I'm sorry I busted my ass to put all this in a
different light -- one that wasn't a fucking death ray!
JILL It's just not fair!
MARSHA Wow, another thing that isn't fair. Imagine.
JILL Oh God. After the cold and shock and almost panic, it was finally
all going to be fine. Then he had to be here.
(Jill bitterly indicates Stan. Marsha studies her for a beat.)
MARSHA What do you do, walk around New York wearing a pair of those
doohickies they stick on the nags that drag those carriages full
of suckers around?
JILL Blinders?
MARSHA Yeah. Or no, maybe you just never come out from under that
skylight at all.
JILL (puzzled but defensive) I go outside. Every Tuesday -- at least.
For Bitsy and Scotchguard's Yum-Tums. Seafood Bounty. And Mixed
Liver.
MARSHA Who says it still can't be fine?
JILL What, this?
MARSHA This.
JILL (indignant, re Stan) He's a man.
MARSHA Yeah...
JILL He's a man! And you said we're only here because we were lovers
with--
(It hits home. Marsha nods, smiling.)
MARSHA There's always hope.
(Jill chuckles, then laughs shrilly.)
JILL You're right. Wow. I am hysterical. (abruptly leans close to
Stan) Pssst!
MARSHA Don't.
JILL Yoo-hoo.
MARSHA Why bother! It's done.
JILL Excuse me.
MARSHA You know and I know. What do we need him for?
JILL I want to hear him say it.
MARSHA Maybe he won't. Then what? You'll be miserable, and he'll be
lying -- on top of being a moron.
JILL I want to be sure hoping's okay. (roughly shakes Stan) Hey,
Terry. Howard. Wake up! (Stan opens his eyes.) You're not on
the Earth anymore. (Stan gapes at her) You're not.
(Stan keeps staring. Marsha snorts.)
MARSHA Told you; moron. (Stan looks at her.)
STAN What time is it?
MARSHA (to Jill) See?
JILL (to Stan) We don't know.
MARSHA He opens his eyes, his... (peers quickly into Stan's face)...
blah-brown eyes and wants to know the goddamn time. Not who we
are or why the hell his butt woke up here. The time. (to Stan)
Hoping to catch that Ironsides re-run, were you, Brainiac?
STAN I'm Stan.
JILL I'm Jill. This is Marsha.
STAN Marsha.
MARSHA Ring a bell?
STAN I...I went to Marshall School.
JILL What's your last name?
STAN (puzzled) I've always been Stan.
MARSHA Jesus Christ. He was sharper sleep-farting.
JILL Marsha!
MARSHA I'm sorry. (Stan looks at her) I'm sorry.
(Stan smiles and nods placidly, then smiles at Jill.)
STAN Jill? (Jill nods) You have beautiful hair. Boy. It's like that
color... You know...Wow.
MARSHA (half to herself) What am I, Mixed Liver?
(The words seem to jog Stan's memory.)
STAN Gosh. Weird. I was dreaming about a cat.
JILL Named Oompah?
STAN (instant paranoia) No! Why are you saying that? Why would I be!
MARSHA You know, Stan.
(Stan looks around wildly.)
STAN Where the hell am I? What's going on here!
JILL (to Marsha) See? He's okay.
STAN I'm going out of this place, right now. (He jumps up, but JILL
grabs his hand.)
JILL You can't. There's nowhere to go.
MARSHA Yeah. The ship's round. Okay, maybe cigar-shaped.
STAN What are you--?
JILL Shhh! (A low, syncopated rhythm throbs, then stops abruptly.
Jill whispers.) They have a ray. A beam that can open your body
up and make anything inside come out -- probe you till you're an
empty bag and you die. But we don't think they're going to use it
on us.
MARSHA Not if you're who I say you are.
(Stan blinks at them in horror.)
STAN You're crazy people.
JILL Do you know Draber?
MARSHA Draber Karshogurian.
STAN I don't know anybody. Stop talking to me. I don't want to talk
to you.
MARSHA Fine.
JILL But--
MARSHA It's fine. (She gives Jill a firm look. Jill falls uneasily
silent. Stan shivers.)
STAN You said 'ship.' I don't hear water. We're not going up and
down.
JILL It's a space ship. I wasn't kidding before.
MARSHA What'd you used to call space ships when you were a kid? Space
ships? Flying saucers?
STAN (numb) Flying saucers.
MARSHA Flying saucer, then. Forget 'ship.'
JILL We're really not on the Earth anymore. The aliens took us. We're
gone. But it's not going to be bad. It's not going to end up
like that, with the probe. It's not! We have hope.
MARSHA You ever go to gay bars, Stan? Ever sleep with a god?
STAN Shut up.
JILL Stan? Excuse me. Stan? You know what a skylight is, right?
(Stan jumps up and backs away, bug-eyed.)
STAN I've seen you before! You're the Devil! But you won't get me.
I'm pure. I'm white!
MARSHA Inside, you're bloody red guts. You'll see: They'll all come out
the slit they make right across here. (She draws her hand blade
like across her middle.)
STAN (fervent) 'The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want...'
JILL You don't have to pray, Stan.
STAN '...He maketh me to lie down beside still waters...'
JILL It's better to talk to us.
STAN '...He restoreth my...(suddenly confused) still water.' You made
me forget it!
MARSHA (to Jill) It's them.
JILL (to Stan by way of explanation) They can do things without the
ray, the aliens. It's already hard for Marsha to remember her
husband. (off Marsha's look) Stewart.
MARSHA But we all remember Draber Karshogurian.
(She looks pointedly at Stan. Jill looks at him too.)
STAN I don't. I swear on the sacred Mother of the Bible.
JILL But if you're not here because of Draber, we might not be either.
And that means--
MARSHA They'll pop us open like baked potatoes, only with meat in the
middle. And you can count on them keeping us alive long enough to
watch it all, too. We'll be conscious right up to just this side
of hollowed-out. Imagine how that'll feel.
JILL Stop it! Why do you keep doing this!
MARSHA So we know what's gonna--
JILL We know! We know it ten times over!
MARSHA I should just shut up then, is that it?
STAN Yeah. Shut up.
JILL Stan, it's okay. Sit down, okay? These chairs are nice. See?
They're okay. Come on. Sit.
(Stan reluctantly sits, eyes Marsha. He shivers again.)
STAN It's freezing in here.
(Jill looks to Marsha, who looks away, but finally peels off her sweater and
offers it to Stan.)
STAN That's a girl's sweater.
MARSHA Oh, excuse fucking me. You want it or not?
STAN No!
MARSHA Fine. (She pointedly puts it back on) Men. Shit.
JILL No, no, it's not supposed to be like this! We have to be friends.
MARSHA Wrong. We have to be Draber's friends. Right?
(Jill's sobered by this and turns to Stan.)
JILL Where do you live, Stan? (Stan's puzzled) Where are you from?
STAN (sudden alarm) I don't remember.
MARSHA (smug nod) Aliens.
STAN I don't remember where I'm from!
JILL Shh. It doesn't matter.
STAN Where am I from?!
MARSHA Sacramento. California.
(Stan blinks at Marsha for a beat.)
STAN Do you know that?
JILL She's guessing.
MARSHA The hell I am. I say he's from Sacramento.
STAN Sacramento.
MARSHA Sound like home?
STAN No.
MARSHA Don't be too sure. Draber used to live in Sacramento. His father
was a state senator. Senator Karshogurian.
STAN It's so cold.
JILL Space is. There's no heat in it.
STAN We're really there? Here? (Jill nods) Where are we going?
JILL Well... Away.
MARSHA In a big hurry.
(Stan slumps in his seat shivering as it all sinks in. Jill implores Marsha
with her eyes.)
MARSHA Forget it.
JILL Please? Please, Marsha?
(Marsha begrudgingly takes off her sweater again. Jill takes it from her and
drapes if over Stan's shoulders.)
STAN (numb protest) It's for a girl.
MARSHA She thinks it looks good on you.
JILL I know you're sad. We have hope, though. Remember I told you?
It can all be fine. Stan? (he looks up) It can all be fine.
MARSHA Just tell us how it happened. (Stan looks at her) With Draber.
STAN I don't know any Drabers. And I don't know where I'm from!
MARSHA Well you come from someplace even if you can't remember it. Just
like not remembering Draber right this second doesn't make you two
swapping juices in some stanky bungalow that night any less what
went on. (off Stan's horror) Unless it was a nooner.
STAN Nothing went on. Nothing ever happened!
JILL Oh God.
MARSHA Oh honey. (She rises to join Jill, but Jill stiffens. Marsha
sits back down, tart.) I told you not to mess with him. I knew
he'd crap things up.
STAN I didn't do anything! I just don't remember it.
JILL You said nothing happened. That's not the same as not
remembering.
STAN I... I don't remember what I said.
(Hope gone, Jill despairs.)
MARSHA Okay Stanny boy, sorry to have bothered you. You can go back to
sleep now. Go on. (Stan actually starts to) We'll wake you up in
time to see the ray lay open Jill's sweet little tummy.
(Jill bends over, arms wrapped around herself, her voice a quaver.)
JILL "I'm flying, flying, flying, flying..."
STAN Don't cry.
MARSHA No, we call this singing. Or don't you remember?
STAN Shut up. I hate you.
MARSHA Jill? Jill. (Jill looks up) Are you cold? (Jill nods. MARSHA
looks pointedly at Stan, who's puzzled.) She's cold.
(Stan blinks then seems to get it.)
STAN Oh. Oh! (beat) Is there another sweater?
MARSHA No. (sotto voce) Maybe you could give her this one. She'd like that.
(Stan eagerly takes off the sweater and clumsily drapes it over Jill's
shoulders. She touches his hand in thanks, which Marsha sourly notes.)
MARSHA What'd I tell you?
JILL (utterly bleak) I guess that's the end.
MARSHA It may be.
(They hold each other's gaze. Stan notices.)
STAN What are you doing?
JILL I'm sorry.
MARSHA What the hell. We tried. I did, anyway. (sighs) But yeah, I'm
sorry too.
(Pause.)
STAN I don't remember seeing lights or anything flashing. I just...
closed my eyes and then I was here.
MARSHA That's pretty much how they work it. (beat) Did you happen to be
eating or playing with a cat at the time? (Stan's oblivious,
intent on Jill.) Useless.
STAN Your hair. It's incredibly beautiful. Honest.
JILL Thank you.
MARSHA Enjoy it now. Shit, ask her if you can run your nose through it.
Why hold back? We're all dead.
JILL And gone. Gone.
MARSHA So handsome, how's it feel to pull the plug on the last hope a
girl with incredible hair has?
STAN I said for you to shut up.
MARSHA (to Jill) Don't you love how guys take charge?
STAN You're sad now.
JILL I wanted to go home again. And be on television. And lie under
the skylight and play with my cats like I never went anywhere.
STAN You have a skylight? (Jill nods) I knew someone who had a cat. I
knew the cat, too.
JILL Is there any way it might have been called Oompah? Please?
Couldn't that have been its name?
STAN I kind of wish it was.
(He looks deeply into Jill's eyes. Jill and Marsha swap a quick look.)
MARSHA But you don't remember.
STAN I'm not talking to you.
JILL You don't remember the cat's name?
STAN No. Wait a minute!... No.
(There's sharp squealing and deep rumbling, as if something sizeable was
moving on balky wheels. Jill reflexively slides off her chair and clings
tightly to Stan's arm. Marsha notices. The sound stops.)
MARSHA Listen, if that sweater's not doing the trick, give it back.
JILL (petrified drone) That was a machine. Some giant machine being
moved. Or moving itself. Coming closer, so they can use it. A
big, heavy, metal machine with shiny sides-- no, black sides. And
a thing like a nipple near the top where a... a ray could come
out. The probe. Oh God. I don't want to be awake when they do
it. I don't want to see the beam burn me open!
STAN It's... It's okay.
MARSHA How? Tell her how. Tell both of us.
STAN Why don't you ever shut up!
JILL I wish there was a window.
MARSHA You up on your constellations?
JILL We'd be able to see the Earth. It'd still be big enough. And blue.
(Marsha waggles her hand in a skeptical 'eh.')
STAN You rotten turd. Leave her alone!
MARSHA She was happy before. You should've seen her. Billion buck grin,
Christmas morning eyes, all that incredible hair. But the hope
part's over now: You're awake.
STAN (to Jill) I didn't--
MARSHA You missed it 'cause you nixed it.
STAN I didn't do anything!
MARSHA Yeah, you keep saying that.
STAN (to Jill) I didn't do anything.
MARSHA Too bad.
JILL Cats always have weird names.
(She sobs. Marsha gives Stan a 'nice work' gesture. Stan's agonized. Pause.)
STAN It was grey, I think. The cat.
JILL No. Yellow. "Brassy as a tuba" he used to say.
STAN Yellow?
MARSHA Nobody'd call a grey cat Oompah.
(Stan's suddenly fidgety.)
STAN It might've been a little yellow. Maybe. Grey with yellow.
(Jill looks up sharply.) And a... a collar.
(He looks to Jill, hoping he's made a favorable impression.)
JILL A red one.
MARSHA With a little...
STAN Bell. A little bell on it.
MARSHA/JILL Yes!
JILL (to Marsha, alert) You said you didn't know about him.
MARSHA So the man never got around to yapping about the frigging cat. So
what? It was one night. You had a whole week.
JILL Five days. (To Stan) Do you think Oompah's a weird name?
MARSHA Did you think so when you first heard it from Draber?
STAN (faltering) That's a funny name too.
JILL Except you knew him. You did know him.
STAN No! I... I just saw a picture.
MARSHA Of Draber.
STAN (shaking his head) The cat.
MARSHA But who showed you the picture?
JILL (soft; a plea) Draber. Draber. Draber.
(Stan seems hypnotized by Jill's desire and nods. Jill's hope is rekindled
and no sooner glances at Marsha than Stan's spooked.)
STAN But I don't remember how. When. Nothing.
MARSHA We'll give you a hand.
STAN No. I'm tired. I want to sleep again.
JILL Stan...
STAN Let me go back to sleep!
JILL Please. Not yet. Please. Come on.
(She takes both of Stan's hands in hers.)
STAN Would you kiss me?
MARSHA Goddamn pig. Just tell the fucking--!
(She's cut off by Jill leaning forward to awkwardly nuzzle Stan's cheek. His
mouth flops open in stunned pleasure. Jill pecks at his cheek, chin, then
covers his mouth with a wildly sloppy kiss. Stan moans.)
MARSHA Okay, okay. Jesus.
(Jill pulls back, whispering.)
JILL Like that? Was that good kissing? (Stan nods) Good.
(She glances urgently at Marsha for help.)
MARSHA Close your eyes.
(Stan's suspicious.)
JILL Close your eyes.
(Jill gently blows air across Stan's eyes. He closes them.)
MARSHA But don't fall asleep or I'll--! (off Jill's look) Just don't go to
sleep.
STAN Touch me.
MARSHA Christ.
(Jill considers, then leans her forehead against Stan's temple and rests both
hands on his shoulders: a prayerful attitude.)
STAN I like you so much, Jill.
JILL Thank you.
MARSHA You liked Draber too. And just as fast. You clicked like that.
(She snaps her fingers.)
STAN I don't...
MARSHA He was tall. (off Jill's look) But no giant. With dark, dark
brown hair--
JILL That turned grey and got thin.
MARSHA You weren't looking for him. Or anybody else. But there he was,
smack in front of you with that knock-out smile.
JILL And crinkle-fans at the corners of his eyes. Like Santa Claus.
MARSHA Like anybody with something to give you. With big-time gifts.
Remember?
STAN No.
MARSHA Come on, quit bullshitting! He looked straight at you and it was
like you were the only person in the world worth looking at and he
said 'Hi there--'
JILL 'My friend.'
MARSHA '--I'm Draber Karshogurian. With a 'K' as in Krispy Kreme.
Nothing's silent.' (Stan chuckles) That's right, you laughed!
Because he was so damned--
STAN Nice.
MARSHA Nice and drop-dead gorgeous and--
JILL Right there, really right there in front of you like out of a
dream you had.
MARSHA About God swinging down to say hey.
JILL What was he wearing? Did he have on that white shirt with the
snaps? He did, didn't he? I bet he did!
(She tightens her grip on Stan's shoulder, excited breath in his ear. Stan's
aroused.)
STAN A white shirt.
MARSHA With snaps up the front.
JILL And on both pockets.
STAN Snaps.
JILL Instead of buttons. It didn't have buttons.
STAN I don't remember.
(Jill rhythmically kneads Stan's shoulders, rocking a bit.)
JILL Try. Try. Come on. Come on.
STAN Yes. Yes. Yes.
JILL Snaps?
STAN Yes.
JILL Oh God, I love you.
MARSHA Jesus, let him breathe, for Chrissake.
(Jill pulls back but Stan clutches her hand and opens his eyes.)
MARSHA Cut it out! We're getting to the filet, here. (Stan closes his
eyes again) When did you meet him?
JILL Winter? Was there snow on the ground with pebbles in it like pepper?
MARSHA No. It was probably Spring. A miserable drippy day. And foggy.
Hell, you couldn't see past your own damn eyelashes half the time.
STAN I don't remember seeing anything.
MARSHA Like I say: killer fog.
JILL You were out in it?
STAN It could have been.
MARSHA Out walking. In a sweater.
STAN Yeah. Yeah, that's what it was. Only I couldn't see anything.
For a long time.
MARSHA And then...? (Stan strains to recall) Did you stumble on some
funky little roadhouse or something -- some weird-ass old tavern
you'd never seen before? Did it pop out of the fog like a good
idea, with the windows glowy and cozy-looking in all that dark wet
wood?
STAN (slowly nods) There was music inside. A jukebox.
JILL Eeby has a jukebox. (Stan opens his eyes) She lives downstairs from me.
MARSHA You must've gone in, then. If you know it's a jukebox.
JILL It's so perfect! Finding a warm, nice place on a foggy day and
it's dry in there and everybody's friendly and wearing sweaters.
And there's a fire going -- with a cat asleep in front of it.
STAN No! No cat. But that fire. It smelled like... like... (closes
his eyes to concentrate)
MARSHA Apple. Cherry. Cedar.
STAN Something. And boy, there were some big logs in there, let me tell you.
JILL So you stayed. You sat at a table.
MARSHA (shaking her head) Found a seat at the bar.
JILL And took off your sweater.
STAN Uh-huh, uh-huh.
MARSHA You started drinking...
(Stan licks his lips as if to taste the answer.)
STAN Rum! God, yes. Captain O'Horgan's.
MARSHA With coffee.
STAN In coffee. A gigantimus mug of it.
JILL I wish I could be there right now!
(An insistent electronic burring sounds -- like a phone ringer, but distorted
by distance -- and just as quickly ends. Jill's shaken.)
JILL I do.
MARSHA So you're in the Seafarer Lounge drinking your groggy java -- You
did say the joint was called the Seafarer Lounge, right?
STAN No.
MARSHA I thought you did.
STAN No! But it might've been. (sudden flash) No! It was the Fair Sea
Lodge. That's it. The Fair Sea Lodge.
JILL People could stay there?
MARSHA In bungalows out back.
STAN (nods vigorously) There were eight of them, all the same. (hoots)
We laughed like crazy when we saw these eight bitty things lined
up like giant-size doll houses.
MARSHA You and Draber. (Stan's mystified) You said 'we' laughed like
crazy.
STAN (opens his eyes) I did not.
MARSHA You sure did.
STAN I did not!
JILL Yes. I heard it too.
STAN I don't remember.
(The burring begins again, this time followed by a droning burble that could
be speech, and what might be a sudden laugh.)
STAN I said I'm tired. I want to go back to sleep.
JILL You can't!
STAN This is stupid. Devil stuff! Devil stuff!
JILL You can save us, Stan.
MARSHA Or nod off and fart again.
STAN Shut up!
(Jill desperately flings her arms around Stan's neck and urgently whispers in
his ear.)
JILL I want to make love again. The special love -- with the special
man, in me and on me. Everywhere. Everything. Tongue. Legs.
Hips. Throat. I want the mouth and the finger so the waves come
and come and lift me away.
MARSHA Ditto. (leans in to Stan) What the hell doesn't come down to that,
huh Stan? Tell us.
(Stan's big-eyed with desire and fear.)
STAN It wasn't my idea.
MARSHA No. God always comes up with it. A god.
JILL You were just there when it happened. At the bar.
STAN Not doing anything! Looking at the fire.
JILL And...? (imploring) And...?
STAN This voice says, 'A fire this nice oughta have a cat in front of
it. Sleeping.' I looked up and...and...
MARSHA He was right smack in front of you.
JILL Draber.
STAN He called me 'friend' right off.
MARSHA That's our man.
STAN (spooked) But nobody calls me 'friend!' What was he doing
grinning at me like that like some kind of faggot?
JILL You smiled back.
STAN I didn't want to! I swear to the Holy Fathers of Heaven.
MARSHA But there you are, two guys grinning at each other in the Fair
Sea. So you talk.
STAN (defensive) A little. About cats. Maybe. (loosens up) Then
about other fires. Other places.
JILL Far away beautiful ones. Like in dreams.
STAN (nods) He knew all about everywhere. Green carpet forest in all
directions. Cities made of bone. He kept telling things. Then I
looked up and it was night and... (spooked again) I said I had to
go and I went.
MARSHA My ass you did.
STAN Got up and walked straight out the door. (holds his hand up,
swearing) As the saints had souls. That was the end of it.
(There's the sound of a door quickly opening and closing.)
JILL Oh no.
MARSHA You son of a bitch.
(Footsteps. Jill whimpers. The footsteps stop.)
MARSHA Look at her. Look at her! -- thinking that beam's as good as
humming through her innards. (acid) And you like her so much.
STAN What do you want me to say! That I was out in the fog and all of
a sudden he was there with his finger on my sweater arm asking
something too sick to use words for!
MARSHA Sure.
(Stan's fearful. Jill looks at him, scarcely breathing.)
STAN It's like I stopped being me.
JILL (enthusiastic) A dream.
STAN There was the fog and the lights with halos around them, then
there wasn't. We were in the, uh...
MARSHA The bungalow. One of the eight.
STAN (slowly nods) He was next to me. I could feel it in the dark.
And he was feeling me. 'Cause his finger was back. On my
sweater. Under it.
JILL Along here, like this?
(She strokes her breast-torso groove. Stan fights panic.)
STAN Devil stuff! Devil stuff! I knew. God knew, but he didn't care.
The great throned Lord King himself let that finger stay! I kept
thinking Devil stuff anyway, only it was only a sound in my head.
Then there were real sounds -- bed bodies breathing bouncing.
Everything was moving. Turning, moving. And a light started.
JILL I remember that.
STAN Where'd it come from? There wasn't one before. There wasn't
anything! But it got brighter and pushed harder till it was going
all through me and he said 'Yes, yes, yes.' in my ear -- a guy, a
man! -- and I didn't want it to -- I prayed to Heaven Almighty for
it not to -- but the light took me and it was me and I couldn't
breathe anymore and everything went white in all Creation!
MARSHA In other words, you came.
STAN Shut up, shut up!
MARSHA Let me get this straight: you took a stroll in the fog and wound
up with your business end up Draber Karshogurian's wazoo, is that
it?
(Stan lets out a tormented bleat and slumps over, shattered. Jill and Marsha
look at each other for a beat, then Jill jumps up bursting into song and
dance.)
JILL "I'm flying, flying, flying, flying...!"
MARSHA Legs like those, you ought to be in tights. Green ones.
JILL No. I don't need anything now!
MARSHA We're not home yet.
JILL Yes, yes, yes we are.
MARSHA Sweety...
JILL We are!
MARSHA Then this calls for congratulations.
(Marsha stands and opens her arms; a demand for an embrace. Jill playfully
bows instead.)
JILL To you. (bows to Stan) And you. (bows to a point on the ceiling)
And you. You guys sure found us! (to Marsha) You said they're
always guys.
MARSHA Why don't you sit down.
JILL You know, look: these are really incredible chairs.
(But she doesn't sit. Marsha smiles through her stungness.)
MARSHA Personally, I wouldn't feel safe till I had the goddamn knife back
in my hand. (off Jill's look) That you were shaving the bunny
with.
JILL I use the edge of my pencil box cover. It's a ruler, too.
(kneels next to Stan) Stan. Are you warm enough? (STAN
doesn't react)
MARSHA He's in shock. (half to herself) The moron.
(Jill's heard and locks eyes with Marsha.)
JILL You don't want to go home, do you? Do you!
MARSHA Home. The Shit-Head Nebula. What the hell's the difference? I
can be alone anywhere.
JILL (earnest) Marsha, when you feel sorry for yourself it's really
disgusting.
MARSHA No "I'm sorry" tacked onto that one? (beat) You're so sure you're
going back to your skylight.
JILL I'll get spray stuff and a big roll of paper towels and stand on
my bed and--
MARSHA Little Miss Hopeful New York.
JILL You're never happy.
MARSHA 'Always.' 'Never.' You're hitting them all.
JILL You leave my words alone! We're going home -- all of us are.
Because we all slept with Draber and that makes everything okay.
We said so! We're a team. A united unit together. What happened
to every one of us happened to everyone, so--
MARSHA Whatever happens now's going to happen to all of us too, right?
JILL Yes. That's what I say.
(Marsha slowly matches Jill's defiant smile then a panel in the wall suddenly
swings open -- a previously invisible door. A Uniformed Male (UM) enters in a
tunic-like smock. Jill gasps and dives to her chair. The UM sizes up the
situation with cold, if patient professionalism.)
MARSHA I'd say pull up a chair -- but we're running short.
UM (to Stan) Mr. Crease.
(Stan doesn't react. Jill whispers nervously to Marsha.)
JILL Who is he?
MARSHA Take a wild guess.
JILL Oh my God. Draber?
MARSHA Hell no. Jesus, does that look like something that'd have a cat?
UM What happened to Stan?
JILL (whispers to Marsha) He knows his name! How does he already know
his name!
MARSHA He's one of the tour directors. (off Jill's look) He's a fucking
alien!
JILL He is not.
MARSHA Jill...
JILL He's not! (to UM) You slept with Draber too, didn't y--?
MARSHA For Chrissake, open you goddamn greenies. Look at him! Look at
the size of that head. The color of that skin. He's got the
jumpsuit thing going, he came out of the goddamn wall... He's
male.
(Jill gapes at the UM, who's overheard this and smiles patiently.)
MARSHA See? Look at that face. That's not human.
JILL Oh my God.
(Jill screws up her courage and speaks loudly to the UM, as if to a deaf
person.)
JILL Hello. On Earth I'm Jill.
UM Hello Jill.
MARSHA I'm Marsha. Marsha... (trying to recall)
JILL Farmer.
MARSHA If you didn't know.
(The UM nods and steps up to Stan.)
UM Mr. Crease. Stan. Time to go.
(Stan looks up blank-faced.)
JILL We're all going.
UM Yes you are.
JILL Marsha and me and Stan.
UM That's right.
JILL (to Marsha) Told you!
MARSHA (to UM) Tell Jill how far from home we are. No, better yet, tell
her how soon she'll be back in her apartment in New York City.
She's got a skylight, you know.
(The UM gives Marsha a quick look, and slips his hands under Stan's armpits.)
UM Come on, Mr. Crease. They're waiting for you upstairs.
JILL Upstairs? There's an upstairs?
(As the UM hoists Stan to his feet, Stan snaps to, alarmed.)
STAN It wasn't my idea!
UM It's alright.
JILL What's upstairs?
(The UM starts to lead Stan toward the door.)
STAN No. No.
UM We're going to see Dr. Felsman.
MARSHA (caustic) Yeah, sure.
JILL So there is another one of us.
MARSHA It's a fucking lie.
UM Marsha.
MARSHA There's no 'Dr. Felsman.' It's cosmic bullshit. The great inter
galactic euphemism for a trip to the probe chamber!
JILL What?! You said--!
STAN The thing? The ray?! (panics, begins to struggle)
UM Stan!
MARSHA A blue-white flash, a smell like bacon, and you'll be staring up
your own asshole!
UM Quiet!
JILL My God, my God!
STAN Mother of sweet Jesus!
UM Calm down!
STAN Let me go! Get off! Help, help!
(The UM gets a vise-like grip on Stan, gives Marsha a withering look and drags
Stan through the door, slamming it behind them. There's sounds of struggle
o.s. followed by a horrific scream that's cut-off in mid-wail by a metallic
thud and a brief whirring. Then oppressive silence. Jill's numb, and only
slowly looks up to meet Marsha's gaze.)
JILL He said we're all going.
MARSHA I guess you were right. (tries to smile) We're not gone yet,
though.
JILL Marsha...
MARSHA I know. I know, sweetie. I'm sorry.
JILL (fighting rising panic) Maybe now. Or real soon we'll panic.
MARSHA Any time you want. I'm with you.
(There are tears in her eyes -- real ones. Jill stares at her, then takes a
step closer. Marsha nods. Jill comes closer, closer. Marsha opens her arms
and offers her bravest, most genuine smile. Jill hesitates at Marsha's side,
then sits in her lap, laying her head against Marsha's breast. With a great
sigh, Marsha enfolds Jill in her arms and in a beat begins to sing softly -- a
lullabye.)
MARSHA "Over bed. Over chair. Duck your head. Clear the air./Oh what
lovely fun. Watch me everyone./Take a look at me and see how
easily it's done./I'm flying..."
(She notices Jill's closed her eyes, and squeezes a little tighter, blissful.
The lights slowly fade on this pieta.)
THE END |