ATTENTION. ATTENTION. ANCIENT SATYR PLAY RECEIVED. INTERDIMENSIONAL TRANSMISSION IS A FACT. ANCIENT MASTERS SEND PLAY. What should happen, is that I should receive an interdimensional theater transmission from ancient Athens. Alas, it is a satyr play, one of those raunchy, sexually explicit, lewd, crude, rude, nervy and provocative short plays that provided relief to Greek theatergoers between tragic performances, rather than the hitherto-unseen major Greek tragedy that I would have hoped for. ALL I am doing is transmitting a work from the Ancient Masters. I've done my best to clean up the transmission, removing explicit material, but I've been unable to make it completely politically correct. WARNING. WARNING. POLITICALLY INCORRECT MATERIAL FOLLOWS. WARNING. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. I feel it my duty to transmit this work as the ANCIENT MASTERS have instructed me. TRANSMISSION FOLLOWS. Loving Bridget's Ear (By Stephen Williamson?) Two Irish "clowns," Seamus and Sean, wearing green hats and outsize shamrocks. Seamus sits on the bench holding his head in his hands. Sean walks jauntily over, but slows as he approaches and eyes Seamus carefully. Sean: Good Day to you Seamus. And how be you doing to doing today. Seamus: Ah, me head is hurting, but worse is the deep mystery question that be haunting me, Sean. Sean: The mystery, Seamus, be what you doing here this weekend. Seamus: Well now, Sean, I'm waiting for the St. Paddy's Day parade, the same as I do every year. Sean: Seamus, you're a month late, man, they're serving turkey in the cafeteria, doesn't that tell you something. And now a question, a mystery haunting you! That does not sound like you, Seamus -- eat, drink, and be merry sounds like you, especially, of course, drink and be merry sounds like you. But tell me what is this mystery question? Seamus: The question that be haunting me, that is burning in me heart like a great flaming fire from heaven is: Did I have sex-ual congress with Bridget? Sean: Hmm. Now, I think the question could be taken in two senses- if me Jesuitical training is correct.... Is it a question of...Seamus, whether you (and not insulting your manly knowledge now).... Do you know what sex-ual congress is? Would you be recognizing sex-ual congress is if you ran across it...in the street so to speak? Or is it a question of not knowing whether you and Bridget did have sex-ual congress, but you be knowing what sex-ual congress is. Whether you had sex-ual congress, that is. I am thinking you two must have been seeing each now 10, 12 years at least. Seamus: Sean, I be running into sex-ual congress in the street, I know what it is to a surety. But all I know is, I was all over her ear, man. That's all I remember. I had me tongue stuck in her ear and was licking and sucking, tickling and poking. I was out of control, off me blooming head, all for Bridget's ear. That's all that I remember, before I passed out. Sean: Lets examine the question Jesuitically. Now did you lick that little protruding knob, right next to deep canal of the ear? Seamus: Oh, I sucked and licked on that little knob like there was no tomorrow, and it's a sweet knob Bridget has too. Sean: Did you, Seamus, stick your tongue as far in Bridget ear as you could? Seamus: I was out control, I tell you, out of control -- beside meself with craving. I had to have that ear, I had to have it. I was off me head. Over me top I tell you. Sean: Well, I'm not saying it's curious, but how did you be coming by this passion for her ear? I'm not saying its not normal, but after years of not having regular sex-ual congress.... Seamus: I go to these lectures when I'm feeling drowsy, to get me deep rest. Something about those speeches makes me sleep better. One I day I awoke and heard some woman say "The way to a woman heart is through her ear." Then I dozed off again. Sean: You didn't try to...not Bridget's ear? Seamus: Not in her ear. What kind of man do you take me for? Sean: Let me ask this: Were you and Bridget in bed when you were all over her ear the way you were telling me? Seamus: No, that was still at the pub. Sean: Well now, is it...did you wake up in bed with Bridget? Seamus: I woke up her sister Brenda's bed, but she wasn't there. Sean: In bed with Brenda too? What do the French call it? Managed something I think it is.... Seamus: No, Bridget wasn't there and Brenda wasn't there. Brenda is in Mozambique. I was alone in Brenda's apartment with a terrible headache and this mystery question inside me: did we have sexual congress together? Sean: Bridget still we're talking here not Brenda. Well, man, let's be frank, were your trousers on or off? Seamus: Well, me trousers were pulled down, wrapped around one foot, and me shirt was pulled up high...but still on. Sean: Hmm. Did it smell like a woman had slept there? No, sure as it did, it's Brenda's bed. Did you wake up with a smile...no, you're hangover. Yes, nothing can we conclude from being Brenda's bed. And we can't deduct anything from your feeling satisfied because of your hangover. Seamus: Me head, me head still hurts. Sean: Now did you see Bridget that day. Seamus: Well, she was at Mass, but I couldn't catch her eye. Sean: She wouldn't look you in the eye, man, now there a sign. Seamus: No, it's her Dad was in the way. Sean: He's a large man is he? Seamus: Very large. Her Mom is large too. And her brothers, they're large. Her sisters are large too. They are large, very large women. Except for Bridget and Brenda, they're all large. Sean: It's a big family is it, that what you're saying. Seamus: Yes. They're large, very large. Sean: So when Bridget is with her family, you can't see her -- they loom too large do they, Seamus? Seamus: That's it. She can't see me either. They're too large. It's a large family. That's why she likes me she says -- I mean, I'm on the dole and all, and not the best looking fellow. She can look over me when we go somewhere. All those years she could never see the movies, never knew who else was in the pub. Sean: Hmm. So.... I got it...Seamus, my man, what did you do when first you entered the church and saw the statue of the Blessed Mother of our Lord? Seamus: When I saw the figure of the Blessed Mother of our Lord, I fell on me knees, tears steaming from eyes, choking and sobbing was I, and I begged the Holy Mother's forgiveness. Sean: Well, now sure it is, why did you not say so in first place, man, obviously you had sex-ual congress with Bridget. |